It feels strange coming here...like when you meet an old friend that you haven't spent time with in a while and wondering if things are the same. The conversation seems awkward at first, you're not quite sure where to start. And you don't remember "why" the gap in time occurred...it just seemed to happen. I look back and see that the last time I posted was July 1, 2013. I'm not sure "why" that was the last time...it just was. It just became harder and harder to come to this spot that had been such a wonderful place for me, but became a place where I was always reminded of how good life had been (before) and how hard it had become (after). I think I unfairly assigned a lot of my feelings of grief to this spot. Unfairly. Just happened.
But just like with that old friend, eventually you realize that you really miss what you shared. That this place that had been good before, could be just as comforting and encouraging as it once had been. And just like that friendship, you find that over your time of separation, things have changed. Your lives are different than they were before, circumstances have evolved. But the best thing is when you are reunited with an old friend and you find that friendship sweeter than ever before, deeper and more precious than what you remembered. I'm thinking of some old friends that I have had the blessing of reuniting with and thanking God for bringing them back into my life...but I'm also thinking of this "old friend", the one that I had developed a great relationship with over the past few years, and then ignored.
So tonight I'm coming back to this friendship. On the eve of my 58th birthday, I am sending a birthday card to all who may read this. I know, I'm the one who is supposed to receive birthday cards on my birthday, but hey, it's my birthday and I can do whatever I want, right?
Birthdays...wow, I've had quite a few. Tomorrow will be my 58th. I remember when I was young, I would think, "I'll probably live 8 times as long as I've lived" (when I was 10), "4 times as long as I've lived" (when I was 20), "I've probably lived half my life!" (when I was 40), and now I'm thinking, "I've probably lived 75% of my life!" None of us know how long our lives will be, but I've definitely lived on this earth for more years than I have remaining, that's a certainty! (OK - I guess there's a possibility I could live to be 116, but I am not counting on that!)
The thing is, when you have birthdays, you start thinking about how fast your life has gone...how quickly the time left diminishes, and how you so wish you had done things differently.
I'm not going to list all the choices that I've made that I wish I could change...those are not as important as the ONE thing I wish I would have done differently. I so wish that I had made my relationship with God the very most important thing in my life from the time I became a Christian. There have been so many years that I have spent in various stages of belief, but not commitment. Of faith, but not obedience. Of profession, but not obsession. How I wish I could say that the past 46 years had shown a consistent pattern of obedience and growth, never wavering in absolute submission to Christ's lordship over my life.
It's not that I question my forgiveness for all of the missteps and mistakes made, I greatly acknowledge the cleansing that Jesus' blood provides over my life. But I so much regret the wasted time, and all the missed opportunities to have served God rather than seeking my own selfish agendas. I will never know, until I reach heaven, all the things that God had laid out for me to do that I totally missed. And that saddens me.
But, as God calls us to do, I will forget the things behind and push on toward the things before me. "From this day forward" I truly desire to place God first, to seek His will in my life, and to serve Him in whatever way He calls me to. To be truly "authentic"...my word for 2014. And with that, making Psalm 139:24-25 my Scripture for the year.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
So this is my birthday card...it is a re-birth day wish for all of us...committing again and absolutely to our Lord...and for those who may read this who are young, please make this commitment now, so that when you are turning 58, you will be celebrating a lifetime of staying in God's will and serving Him steadfastly.
In His Amazing Love,
Janice
But just like with that old friend, eventually you realize that you really miss what you shared. That this place that had been good before, could be just as comforting and encouraging as it once had been. And just like that friendship, you find that over your time of separation, things have changed. Your lives are different than they were before, circumstances have evolved. But the best thing is when you are reunited with an old friend and you find that friendship sweeter than ever before, deeper and more precious than what you remembered. I'm thinking of some old friends that I have had the blessing of reuniting with and thanking God for bringing them back into my life...but I'm also thinking of this "old friend", the one that I had developed a great relationship with over the past few years, and then ignored.
So tonight I'm coming back to this friendship. On the eve of my 58th birthday, I am sending a birthday card to all who may read this. I know, I'm the one who is supposed to receive birthday cards on my birthday, but hey, it's my birthday and I can do whatever I want, right?
Birthdays...wow, I've had quite a few. Tomorrow will be my 58th. I remember when I was young, I would think, "I'll probably live 8 times as long as I've lived" (when I was 10), "4 times as long as I've lived" (when I was 20), "I've probably lived half my life!" (when I was 40), and now I'm thinking, "I've probably lived 75% of my life!" None of us know how long our lives will be, but I've definitely lived on this earth for more years than I have remaining, that's a certainty! (OK - I guess there's a possibility I could live to be 116, but I am not counting on that!)
The thing is, when you have birthdays, you start thinking about how fast your life has gone...how quickly the time left diminishes, and how you so wish you had done things differently.
I'm not going to list all the choices that I've made that I wish I could change...those are not as important as the ONE thing I wish I would have done differently. I so wish that I had made my relationship with God the very most important thing in my life from the time I became a Christian. There have been so many years that I have spent in various stages of belief, but not commitment. Of faith, but not obedience. Of profession, but not obsession. How I wish I could say that the past 46 years had shown a consistent pattern of obedience and growth, never wavering in absolute submission to Christ's lordship over my life.
It's not that I question my forgiveness for all of the missteps and mistakes made, I greatly acknowledge the cleansing that Jesus' blood provides over my life. But I so much regret the wasted time, and all the missed opportunities to have served God rather than seeking my own selfish agendas. I will never know, until I reach heaven, all the things that God had laid out for me to do that I totally missed. And that saddens me.
But, as God calls us to do, I will forget the things behind and push on toward the things before me. "From this day forward" I truly desire to place God first, to seek His will in my life, and to serve Him in whatever way He calls me to. To be truly "authentic"...my word for 2014. And with that, making Psalm 139:24-25 my Scripture for the year.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
So this is my birthday card...it is a re-birth day wish for all of us...committing again and absolutely to our Lord...and for those who may read this who are young, please make this commitment now, so that when you are turning 58, you will be celebrating a lifetime of staying in God's will and serving Him steadfastly.
In His Amazing Love,
Janice
